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Daily I struggle in the high calling of being a mother. Rarely I feel I am getting it right. Still, God has chosen to bless us (surprise us!) with another child due late September. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. But I accept with a humbled and grateful heart. There is a lot of growing to do on my part, and growth is never easy. But it is always good. 

I cannot say I am disappointed. To get pregnant without trying? I never thought it would happen to me. After plenty of waiting that followed a miscarriage, I’m thankful there wasn’t an issue this time around, at least with the getting pregnant part. I simply mean it was not my timing. I wanted more time to myself first. I wanted to be “ready”. I had a “perfect” plan in my head. 

God has been changing my plans a lot lately. Mostly I’ve been okay with that. I learned a few years ago that I cannot plan out – control, rather – my life. But, my life is in Gods hands which is even better. And the less I struggle against my plans being changed, the transition is easier and I have more peace. 

I have accepted the changes pregnancy has brought with relative ease, but I can’t say it’s been easy. My life of homeschooling, having an older baby, a puppy, and being in the first trimester has busted my abilities to the seams. I simply have not been able to fill all my roles and have had to do my best in the few most, most important roles. 

But I don’t lose faith. I know it’s a season. I’m being stretched; it hurts, but when things ease up (and they will, I know they will!), I will be stronger have more capacity than before, through Christ. I foresee the next couple years of being a time of intense stretching with breaks here and there. But, who knows, I can’t plan or predict my life right? But one thing I do know, whatever life is like, whatever happens, I will always have Christ my Savior to lean on. In the end, that all I really, really, really need. 

“Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger people. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be a miracle.” – Phillips

6 Comments

  1. Carrie

    You are brave and heroic. Being brave right now is allowing God to lead, even when your own beautifully orchestrated plans are scattered to the wind. Your strength may often fail you, your energy wane under the demands of little hearts, and yet you offer a smile when you don’t feel like smiling, and you read another story when you’d rather be napping…you are a hero. You are dying to yourself that you may live in Christ. We should all be so brave!

  2. Oh Hannah, I understand so well.I know how a mother quakers in her slippers, wondering why and how she can do this. Of my seven pregnancies, we’ve had 3 surprises. The first surprise is with God. The second surprise is our third child, born when his older brother was only 15 months old. And the third is my beautiful Z, who came 18 months on the heels of the twins. I am always filled with joy when I find out I am pregnant, but those times the joy was hidden for a little while behind shock and fear. Especially when you are trying so hard for that not to happen, and you’ve sacrificed so many opportunities for closeness because you knew you needed that break, and then you didn’t get it.
    When I found out I was pregnant with Z, I literally fell to my knees. I could not even pray coherently. My twins were only 9 months old. I was so afraid to tell my husband, it took me a whole day. When I finally was able to, it was in a flood of tears. And my husband laughed. He smiled and laughed and told me it was okay, it was a good thing, and he was happy. He held me and told me he was glad to be parents again.It was the greatest gift God could have given me at that moment, and from then all I felt was joy. Z’s pregnancy was physically difficult, but I fondly remember it as being my most grateful and joyful one so far. She was a perfect baby, too, her personality a ray of sunshine during the twins difficult tantrum phase. She is the surprise we didn’t ask for, the gift we never expected, and she is so beautiful and right for our family. I cannot imagine not wanting her just where she is, and I guess God couldn’t either.
    Sorry for the long comment, but I really identify with your situation and I wanted to share my story with you. God loves you. Let him fill you with strength and courage and JOY as you go through this pregnancy. Congratulations!

    ~Emily

    • Hannah

      Thank you for sharing your story Emily! It was so good to read and to know others understand. Every child is a blessing, but being a mother is a demanding life and we are simply weak people. Thank God He always strengthens us! Thank you for reading and thank you again for sharing!

  3. Oh what lovely news! Boy have I missed so much this last month. I think it’s the new puppy that did you in- something I have yet to brave, though the kids are begging. ~weak grin~ Praying with you in this season you find yourself in.

    • Hannah

      Thank you for the prayers! The puppy definitely added stress, but I’m thankful we’re through the hardest part so far (I think!). It’s a lot of work, but fortunately my husband does much of the work. Since you have older kids, it probably would lighten the load on you. Just something to think about from a first time dog owner who has lived through it. 🙂

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